Who Stole My Soap Bar? – Part 2

In the first post by this name,   Who Stole My Soap Bar?  I told a story of my neighbor, Hanif, who had stolen my soap bar because he wanted me to marry his sister, Fahmidah.

In fact, he’s so desperate to marry me to that beautiful damsel that he is ready to go to any length.

But I’m not going to marry that girl whom I’v always loved.

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Jurlene, my Bible Teacher, once chastised me for such adventures.

She was right when she said “Berni, didn’t I ask you to stop your adventures with women? They give you heartaches and worsen your insomnia problem.”

Poor Jurlene. I failed to obey her because I don’t fear evil.

I enjoy evil — even if it gives me heartache.

When I’m up to something good, I don’t care about storms nor tornadoes. What’s a heartache to stop me from doing the will of God?

She once likened me to “Samson” (The Invincible) because she fool said I had a bad eye for women, like Samson!

How evil on the part of my Bible Teacher!

How dare she judge the Judge of Israel?

Samson had committed no error when he married Delilah, the Palestinian woman.

God wanted him to do that to strike terror in the hearts of bloody Palestinians and teach them to respect the God of Jews — even if they had learned the secret of Samson’s incredible powers.

So my Bible Teacher used to believe the false doctrine of Jesus Christ dying for our sins and hence, she thought that this gave her a license to judge people and commit sins!

What evidence she had against me? I kept telling her about women showing lust in me and my fishing them for God but she thought I had a bad eye for women. How disgusting these teachers are!

There’s always some wisdom of God in my life’s adventures and she should have known that it’s impossible for us to understand God’s wisdom unless He explains it to us and He doesn’t explain to sinners, does He?

Why then she did evil and tried to judge me instead of asking me to explain myself?

In particular, why do they do evil and try to find error with the prophets, the judges and even God himself?

And if teachers and preachers of Bible can find error with the judges and prophets of Bible — which they believe is the word of God — will they not find errors with you? Will they not judge you?

Don’t these evil idiots read about Pharisees finding error with the prostitute who had come to listen to the word of God and Jesus’ refusing to judge her and even saving her from the death penalty?

Jesus, the Word of God, refuses to judge a known prostitute but these “holy” teachers and preachers will even find error with God.

That’s why I’m an outlaw and hated by many teachers and most preachers.

So why Hanif is so hell-bent on marrying me to his beautiful sister?

Why me?

When my wife threw me out of my apartment in February, 2014, I asked her where to go and she suggested I move to my brother, Abid’s.

I had no other place to go to. So I moved to Abid’s although I despise his insolence.

After two months of giving me hell, he once thought of glorifying Ka’ba, the largest idol of the world that is worshipped by Muslims.

I had once mentioned my amusement of God sending a flock of nightingales dropping stones on an army of elephants sent to destroy Ka’ba in 1998, completely shattering the elephants into pieces (Koran:105).

He decided to remind me of that amazing story (to show me how my conversion to Christianity was at fault.)

I asked him if they could ever find an archeological evidence of that army.

“No. It was completely shattered into pieces,” he answered.

“And what about the pots and the armors? You know, such a huge army doesn’t move empty-handed?”

“Everything must have been shattered” he answered in bewilderment.

“So it’s a false story, isn’t it?”

He was dumbfounded.

But his religious bigotry made him mad at me.

Next day, he tried to turn his humiliation into a victory.

At dinner, he accused me of being an idiot for having glorified Ka’ba in 1998. I said “I did it on purpose.”

That really infuriated him and his blood pressure shot up and he swallowed his pills.

He fool thought I trapped him since 1998! How could I’ve done that on my own? It was God who lays these traps.

My conversion to Christianity is both the reason of my troubles as well as the vehicle of my greatest victories — like Joseph, son of Israel.

Continues   here.


The Great Escape

There used to live a man named Abdullah in Mecca. He married a Christian woman named Amna in a city of (Arab) Jews.

The Saudi king, Abu Jehel, had built a shrine like‎ the Temple of Solomon on the holy mount of Zion, in Jerusalem, and used to hide The Second Commandment of Torah that prohibits worship of idols.

People had faith in the “men of God” of Mecca and had no access to Torah, an expensive book at that time.

Abdullah had the bad habit of telling people about that Second Commandment of God instead of marketing the lucrative idols like the rest of “thankful” people of Mecca.

One beautiful day, when he was returning in a caravan to Mecca, he was killed. People believe his death in his twenties was natural.

They have faith in men of God and the Saudi king.

His wife, Amna, was pregnant and gave birth to a son she named Muhammad.

When Muhammad reached 6, his Christian mother took him to Madina, to her family.

On her return, she, too, was killed like her husband. People believe she died a natural death.

They have great faith in men of God and the Saudi king who uses them.

Muhammad studied on the hand of a Christian monk in Syria as all Muslims know but they only believe the Saudi king who says Muhammad was illiterate who couldn’t even read a word.

Upon completing his studies, Muhammad married a widow named Khadija, also a Christian.

She already had an orphan named Zaid.

Muhammad committed a crime against the “holy” shrine and they killed his wife but Muhammad and Zaid managed to escape to Madina.

When Muhammad reached 57, Zaid took a new wife named Aysha.

Muhammad fell in love with Aysha, his adopted son’s wife.

Zaid divorced her so that Muhammad could marry her.

As soon as Muhammad slept with her, he received  The Baptism of Love  and became a saint.

He was not a cave-man as Men of God say but people have too great a faith in men of God.

Soon afterwards, Muhammad started receiving angels and revelations. He named it Quran, which means “read a lot”.

You can’t decipher Koran unless you’ve been baptized. That’s what Quran says.

لا يمسه إلا المطهرون

Translation: None touches it except those who have been baptized.

Mecca’s authorities fought and resisted Muhammad for some 23 years then they suddenly accepted him and even exalted him. Why?

Because Quran seems to acknowledge the Shrine of Mecca, unlike the books of Jews (Old Testament) or the books of Christians (New Testament). It was too easy to hurt the lucrative income from Ka’ba using Bible.

This is what Quran says about Ka’ba:

جعل ﺍلله ﺍلكعبة البيت الحرام

Translation: God has made Ka’ba the Haram (Forbidden) House.

But the Saudi king told people it was forbidden to HUNT game animals in Mecca. Otherwise, Haram means unclean. Everybody knows this.

I don’t know what game animals are found in a desert but people’s faith is unbreakable in the Wahabis and the Saudi king who knows how to use them.

The idols are still there after more than 14 centuries: Ka’ba, the Black Stone, the Stone of Abraham, etc but Muslims believe their men of God and the Saudi king who is very rich and powerful.

In fact, more than a billion people call themselves Muslims as ordered by Quran, a holy book full of Satanic verses as it acknowledges itself:

ﻓَﺈِﺫَﺍ ﻗَﺮَﺃْﺕَ ﺍﻟْﻘُﺮْﺁﻥَ ﻓَﺎﺳْﺘَﻌِﺬْ ﺑِﺎﻟﻠَّﻪِ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﺸَّﻴْﻄَﺎﻥِ ﺍﻟﺮَّﺟِﻴﻢ

Translation: So if you read Quran, then seek God’s refuge from the devil.

And these Muslims turn their faces to Mecca, still, when serving ritual prayers, 5 times a day, that are not found anywhere in Quran but are a continuation of idol worship that’s also found in the Arab Jews of Sinai and Arab Christians of Ethiopia until this day.

They believe the fight was over cleaning the Shrine of Mecca of some 360 idols, an idol for each day of the year.

What year?

The Julian year consists of 365 or 366 days and the Islamic calendar later came up with a lunar year that consists of 354 or 355 days.

Why 360 idols?

Can anyone name even a single one of them?

Because even a dog gets a name!

What kind of gods & lords were these who had no names?

The truth is the idols are still there: Ka’ba, world’s largest idol, Abraham’s standpoint stone, the “holy water” of Zamzam and other idols in Arafat and Mina.

But Muslims are unaware, aren’t they?

The Great Escape

My Strange Divorce – 9

This memoir starts from  My Cinderella.  Thank you.

Now I had read Bible thrice and understood very little of it by that time so I told Jameel that according to Torah, a divorce had to be in writing, hence there was no need of a Halala.

I told him his sister was still married and could go back to her husband and there was no need for wasting money on marrying her to me and then, after I divorce her, marrying her back to her husband.

Those who have cared to read my memoir series titled FINDING MY SOULMATE already know how I had tried to find a cheating wife in Jordan and how Jesus had prevented me from doing that, and still had punished me for thinking about it.

I find this wicked habit of Jesus of first not allowing me to commit a sin and then punishing me for thinking of it very amusing and I enjoy His punishments and like to tell the world about my failed attempts at sin and Jesus’s punishments.

Jameel listened politely to my lecture in God’s ways and went away light-hearted. I thought he had understood and agreed with me and was no longer interested in a halala.

In September, 2014, I once earned Rs220 but my boss kept all money and only gave me Rs50. He used to give me 33% while others used to give 50% and also treat their workers in a nice way.

I once told him about my financial troubles and he promised to give me 50% but he had said that to cheat me.

I went home on foot to save money. I used to eat Paratha, a delicious oily bread, which was the cheapest food.

Only single men eat dinner at restaurants.

On that night, Waqar, the owner of that restaurant, decided to talk me into marrying his sister as I look like an attractive suitor for everyone and my poverty only adds to my attractiveness.

But he failed to show respect for his poor sister.

“We need a man for the ‘night job'”, that’s how he put it and I felt disgusted.

He realized his rudeness and asked me to talk to his father in the morning.

I had no interest in getting married because the torture I had suffered on my wife’s hands during my 12 years of marriage.

But my wicked boss had robbed me of a lot of money and I was left with only Rs7 on me. I was Rs3 short for a bus ticket to my office.

It’s very hot during the day and very inconvenient to walk the 3 km (2 miles) to the Real Estate office.

So I went to the Cafe al-Hasan nearby my house and met Ibrahim, Waqar’s father.

I told him I came because I was Rs3 short of a bus ticket back to office.

His son had briefed him about me and my disgust of calling marriage “the night job”. So he decided to cover up his son’s mistake.

“Waqar is my oldest son and I didn’t let him complete his education and instead, let him work with me. His younger brothers are getting education and it hurts me to see him without any degree.

“I work the day shift while Waqar works the night shift. I need a trustworthy guy like you to take charge of the night shift so that Waqar can continue his education.”

That’s how he tricked me into not running away.

I’m an easily-confused guy so I was fooled into believing that I had unnecessarily misunderstood Waqar and by “night job”, he had not meat SEX but NIGHT SHIFT job of running their restaurant.

So I accepted to work for them and he offered me to eat free lunch and dinners besides Rs6000 salary.

He wanted me to work from 8pm till 8am, seven days a week for Rs6000.

God didn’t like such a punishing schedule for a guy who had no one to help him in his household duties.

So two weeks earlier, I had found a job as a school teacher in Dua Children Academy just behind Cafe al-Hasan.

I’m a jolly teacher who likes to entertain children and who also likes to tell them God’s ways and about Good and Evil.

One Friday, a nice adult student who had beard & mustache but was in class 9, asked me to come close.

He whispered in my ear “What are menstrual cycles?”

It’s not good to leave children unaware because they then ask their peers or go search Internet and end up on erotic sites and illicit sex.

“Each month girls lay a tiny egg. If it’s not used, their body gets rid of it along with a little blood and other nourishing fluids for the fertilized egg. For a few days each month, the girls bleed. That’s called Menstrual Cycle.”

I didn’t want him to tell these things to young children and confuse them so I asked him not to tell anyone else and he nodded in agreement.

This memoir continues   here.

My Strange Divorce – 9

My Promised Girl – Part I

In case you have not done already, kindly read the 2-part post My Cinderella first. Thanks.

If you tell the world that you broke glass using a stone because you had the power of the Holy Spirit, then how will they know that you’re telling the truth?

They’ll not disbelieve because they’re evil but they’ll not believe simply because anyone can break glass using a stone.

There’s nothing strange about that. There’s no need to have Godly powers to do usual stuff, is there?

But if you can break a solid rock using a fragile glass, then people will be shocked and believe because only God can do such a thing.

Now I was a Muslim and had little knowledge of God when God promised me a girl when I went to jail in late 1997.

I didn’t know God was going to first make it impossible for me to marry her so that when I’ll marry her, regardless, people will know my God is a Lord.

Hence, when God’s angel came to me in December 2000, asking me to visit my elder uncle, Irshad, in Rawalpindi because there was a good chance that he was going to help me marry a Pashtu-like girl, He had first made it impossible.

Uncle’s eldest daughter, Safia, hated evil, patriarchal Pakistan and was in a hurry to immigrate to some advanced country who show more respect of women.

She was in a hurry and she was desperate.

She made several dangerous attempts, risking herself but failed.

She even attempted suicide but was rescued.

On one beautiful day, she told her father that he needed a second honey-moon and he liked her idea and went shopping with his wife!

She then went upstairs, scaled the 6-feet wall and jumped some 12 feet below on neighbor’s roof.

Her parents had locked the front door from outside and had asked all her 4 siblings to keep watch over her lest she makes another attempt at suicide.

But she knew a loophole and had carefully planned to manipulate it to run away to an immigration agent or a human trafficker — we don’t know.

She sustained a fracture in her right ankle but that was hardly a problem.

But the damn door… the neighbor’s door of the stairs was locked.

It was never locked but someone really stupid had locked it on that day.

She double checked the damn door in total disbelief.

It was not stuck, it was locked.

With fractured ankle, she didn’t quite feel in mood to jump another 12 feet to the street.

After careful assessment of the situation, she gave up and knocked on the damn door.

The neighbors were shocked to meet a guest from skies but they knew enough of her stories.

They gave her some first aid while discreetly calling her father’s cellular.

Hence, at my arrival, Safia, her father’s firstborn had taken her father’s “anxiety & worries” to a whole new level.

Understandably, he received the news of my arrival with a great sigh of relief.

He had known me from childhood as an extremely obedient nephew.

Nothing could go wrong anymore. I was God-sent, he was sure.

That’s why he aggressively wanted me to marry Safia.

But his wife and his second daughter, Saima, disagreed.

Man, will we ever understand women?

God was with women, not men, as usual.

That’s what the Terminator T-800 learned the hard way. But learn he did.

But even if you obey God, it’s still impossible to understand His ways.

Therefore, on the third day of my arrival, I had an evil dream.

I saw my stern boss, Sheridah, had locked me in a room with two cute boys. He wanted me to Sodomize them.

I was unable to control myself and almost kissed one of them when I remembered God and asked Him for help and He woke me up.

Phew, that was some nightmare!

I thanked God for saving me from morally-depraved dream but I still had ejaculated out of divine pornography & masturbation.

It was damn cold in Rawalpindi for me and I was wearing dark pajamas so I went back to sleep and changed in the morning.

My wife told me after marriage how everyone had known my little secret that night!

Damn, it’s hard to keep secrets in Pakistan and I’m a careless guy who doesn’t feel ashamed.

My uncle decided to put that weakpoint to good use.

He went to Karachi while his wife offered me a few nights with the other two damsels in nearby Murree — something very unusual in conservative Pakistan.

Since I and Saima were trying to develop our love story, this f*ck trip was our nightmare come true!

This post continues here. . Thanks.

My Promised Girl – Part I

The Mystery of Aad & Samood

When our second child was born, it was a girl. I asked my wife to suggest a name.

She said “I love the name ‘Asma’ the most but your brother has already named his daughter ‘Asma’. I love the name ‘Erum’ next.” I said “Erum is the city God destroyed according to Quran”.

She then suggested “Aasia” and I liked it. I said “That’s a beautiful name. It’s Greek and means ‘welcome’. Adam, a Jew born in Greece had named Turkey “Asia” because it welcomed Cain.”

I then looked up “Erum” in my wife’s book of Islamic names because I wondered why Pakistanis named their daughters after an evil city.

The book said it was of Persian origin and meant “garden(s)”!

I was shocked. I told my wife and she named our daughter “Aasia Erum”.

But I then understood the mystery of Aad & Samood who figure prominently in Quran but no scholar has ever been able to find their ruins, making it embarrassing for Muslims to believe in lies and things that don’t exist except in their minds.

Let’s see what Quran says,

ألم تر كيف فعل ربك بعاد؟ إرم ذات العماد؟ التي لم يخلق مثلها في البلاد‎.‎‏

English: have you not seen how your Lord did to Aad? The Gardens of Pillars, the likes of which have never been built in the world.

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon!.

They are one of the 7 wonders of ancient world, aren’t they?

And indeed, “Babylon” is considered the origin of magic (corruption of religion) and mother of all vice by Jews and Christians!

Just listen to BoneyM’s song, “Rivers of Babylon”.

But Quran mixes the destruction stories of Aad and Samood. They refer to the evil Islamic empires of Babylon and Assyria.

Quran also mentions a she-camel in Samood. Whenever you see an animal mentioned in Quran, it means “watch out”.

When our eldest brother, Abid, had his second daughter in 1997, he asked us for suggestions. My little sister suggested “Maha”, which means “Fawn”.

But I had strongly objected and after a while, everyone was convinced “Maha” was an evil name and she was named “Asma”, which is the plural of “name” but can also mean “nobler”.

In 2010, I once met a girl on Internet who asked people to give her a psychic reading and solve her problems. A guy cursed her for being named “Fawn” by her parents.

I gently tried to convince her that she was a survivor of childhood abuse and told her she needed to forgive her parents to succeed in life.

She denied any wrongdoing on the part of her parents. I then challenged her to succeed in life without my help. She cursed me and never again contacted me :).

After a while, I saw her profile on LinkedIn. She’d found a good job and was doing well.

That’s why I dislike bad names: they come true in your life!

God is hilarious, isn’t He?

The Mystery of Aad & Samood

Confused Religion

Everybody thinks Quran is an incomplete book. The scholars tell us that the Hadith books are supposed to complement it.

The Hadith books stress on following the example of Muhammad.

But Muhammad married a dozen women while Quran limits us to 4. How come Muhammad married more than 4 women and why?

The scholars say the Law for prophets is different. And Muhammad had extraordinary libido so he could satisfy 12 women, including a child.

Now I’m confused.

Are we supposed to follow the example of Muhammad or not?

I believe these scholars are grossly wrong. They don’t understand Quran 4:3. Nor any other verse for that matter.

I don’t also agree with the simplistic approach taken by Christian priests who tell me Quran is a false book.

And I’m not a politically-correct person, either. I seek the truth and I like to tell the truth and the truth is that Quran is not a false book but the established Islam is.

Confused Religion

Wrestling The Nephelim

This is a sterilized story that starts here .

I looked up book’s publication data. It was published in 1960.

So she was some 20 years older than me but I didn’t care, I still loved her. Mmm.. she was attractive.

That night I had a vision. I saw God handing me a rod of iron!

All I could see of God was His hand.

I could look up that dream in my mom’s library, I was sure.

My mom was the opposite pole of my dad. She was more into spirituality than science.

Indeed, I found a dream-interpretation book in her magical library.

I thought I would look up “God” and “Iron” and cook up an interpretation. But I was intrigued to find an entry dedicated to that very dream.

“Weird book,” I thought.

It said God was going to put me to test!

I was troubled. Why me? I couldn’t remember doing anything wrong. Unless reading from parents’ libraries was a sin.

I knew I was a bad boy destined for hell.

As soon as the classes started, I was shocked to see a cute, attractive boy who looked so much like That Girl in the book and his hair was brunette!

He was so attractive, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.

“I’m not listening, teacher, I’m looking at the beauty!”

That boy was going to ruin my studies and more, I thought. I used to sit beside Hamdan.

I didn’t pick Hamdan, he picked me since class VI. All his brothers had left school and joined lucrative jobs in Aramco, the oil giant that runs Saudi Arabia and rules the oil markets of the world still.

But Hamdan wanted to be something more.

I had secured the 6th position in the Eastern Province. The 5 above me were not interested in Hamdan but the sixth…

The sixth was a poor boy. One you could easily win. The sixth was me. This is how we became good friends.

But I’m a superficial guy who is used to judging things by their looks and Hamdan looked like… a rat. Yeah, a rat, ladies and gentleman, a rat!

He offered to lend me Superman and comic books so I guess I did good by keeping him, despite his scary looks.

Hamdan said the Physics teacher was a bad guy. He talked to the principal to change the class but there was only one Physics teacher for all the 6 sections of class XI so he decided to keep the class.

Now I had been kidnapped twice in class IX by two nice Sodomites but both times God had saved me.

The second Sodomite was my boss in a bank where I used to work after school.

He was nice, so he offered me his wife in exchange but I still rejected. I had not yet reached puberty and she was my mom’s age. That big, fat MILF scared the crap out of me.

I was frustrated by men’s interest in sex, which I saw as mere nudity and doing dirty, disgusting things.

And I hated gay sex even after I did reach puberty because I saw it as moral depravity.

But that boy? He was different!

I was confused because his love was different. I didn’t see any moral depravity in his love. He used to pose for me and drive me crazy. Everything he did made my heart beat and sing a song for the Lord.

Yes, I actually thanked God for my falling in love with a boy!

Then came the Law Man.

God told me Ehsan was going to get pregnant had I touched him!

He really scared the crap out of me.

I immediately stopped fantasizing about him!

Now Jamal, the Physics teacher was a holy recruiter for Afghan Jihad. He used to hold brain-washing sessions during the lunch break. I liked attending them with Hamdan… for the sake of free sandwich and a Pepsi.

Hamdan was brain-washed and wanted to become a regular contributor to Jamal’s pamphlet-journal.

One day, Hamdan showed me a piece he had written about the evils and perils of anger.

God had been encouraging me to show anger to ward off Sodomites and scare them away and it was… working.

I gave harsh criticism on Hamdan’s piece.

He tried to brush away my “inferior”, biased opinion but he got stuck and could never publish the piece.

He decided to prove me wrong and get even.

One day, after the last class, he asked me to wait for him to take down the notes.

By the time he finished, the school was empty.

Ehsan had also been waiting. He approached me and undid a button while talking to me in his sweeter-than-nightingale voice.

When he undid the second button, I realized what he was up to. I gently held his hand and he… stopped.

He was not offended. Our love was not about sex. It was not of flesh. It was not of this world.

This shocked Hamdan.

He had been noticing our developing love and he was sure there was no way in hell I was going to miss such an opportunity.

He left Jamal and his Afghan Jihad, Islamic wisdom, hatred of Russian and American infidels, blah, blah, blah.

This story continues  here .

Wrestling The Nephelim